I write this not to sound self-righteous. I speak from my perspective to give an idea of my internal monologue when doing what I was placed on this earth to do. I believe that every human in the service of our King has to ask themselves difficult questions no matter the specifics of their Yah-given purpose and talents He has bestowed upon them. No believer can automatically assume that they are serving Yah perfectly in their own power. A servant of the Most High who never examines himself is dangerous. The pitfalls of human nature and the falseness of this world make us rely on Yeshua’s gracious blood every day as we continue our walk with Him.
I stand in front of a microphone in my basement about to go on the air of my radio show or wait in the wings before I speak to a congregation with the expressed hope that I have heard the direction of the Holy Spirit and I pray silently in abject terror. Please let my voice speak His words and not mine. Is this the message He wanted spoken? Did I hear His heart and find what He wanted me to find? Did I see what He wanted me to see? Did I study enough? Did my personal struggle get in the way of the message so that I am speaking to myself rather than the congregation? What words do I use to begin? How do I break into this subject? Will I hit too hard or not hard enough? Will I turn someone away from the faith or will I bring someone new to it? The eternal ramifications of what I am preparing to do come flooding into me.
I have struggled with discouragement often when putting together teachings and I ponder whether anyone will listen or that the desired outcome would come to fruition. I feel the emotion created by the Scriptures I am searching, the beauty of the language, the emotions of the biblical characters as they struggle or triumph, but most importantly, the leading of the Holy Spirit as the words and focus of the teaching becomes clearer. All of my college education, life experience, and observations of Creation come pouring out of my fingers into the structure of what will be a message from the Most High through me.
All of the probing of my meager efforts and the examination of my fleshly motives, biases, bitterness, and rebellious thoughts show that I can alter the message the Father wants to speak through me to His people, whether one person at a time or a larger number that has invited me to speak. I am far from a perfect man and I recall Isaiah in the throne room realizing his unclean lips and the unclean lips of his people. I pray to the Father to let the message He is giving to rest with me first. Let me hear the corrections and convictions He is bringing to His people first. I ask myself if I can set my personal struggles to the side long enough for the Father’s will to be done through a vessel that is actively being repaired. I realize that is the wrong question to ask. Can I submit my uncleanness to Him to be remedied before I go to His people just as Isaiah did? I ask forgiveness for my blatant sin and repent. My thoughts go back to those who struggled in the faith in the Scriptures and I recall seeing the Father use broken vessels throughout the narrative of the Word.
The terror of the thought of maligning the Father’s character pulses in my chest every time I am led to speak His Word. Is this terror supposed to be with me always or is it a product of the flesh rebelling against the will of the Father? I was once praying and confessed to Him how scared I was to preach a specific sermon. After much shaking, He answered, “The day you aren’t terrified to preach is the day you are no longer speaking my message.”
We all have a choice in life. Do we listen to our flesh and our fallen desire to be free from His rule, or do we overcome our shame, fear, and pride to serve Him? If we are wholehearted in our efforts to love Him, serve Him, and serve His people, our personal weakness becomes the very vessel for His glory to be carried in.
2 Corinthians 12:9 “And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Messiah may dwell in me.”
Cole Davis and Other Contributors